He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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