Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize