I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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