Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
