my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
