sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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