Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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