So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
