her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
