remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
