Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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