You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
