im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
