I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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