I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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