I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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