I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
