Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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