Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
