Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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