My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
