i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
