Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
