Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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