Define "chronic" masturbator.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
