I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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