Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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