Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
