therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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