Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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