I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
