So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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