My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
