My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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