so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
