i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
