the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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