Where did you get a picture of my penis
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
