Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
