My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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