"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize