So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
