Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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