The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
