Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
