You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We need to rekindle our bromance
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
