Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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