Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
