ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize