I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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