Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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