I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
