Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
