Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
