just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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