Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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