If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
