Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
