If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
