420 ftw
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
