Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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