My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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