All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
