one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
